Very wrong

I've been dreading for a holiday since my last confinement break.

"Nak gi holiday, nak tenangkan fikiran dan hati..."

"Nak gi holiday, nak berehat dan chill dengan family..."

So, last Saturday we went for an ad-hock trip. 

Beach resort in the middle of the city.

Everything went well at first.

We ate. We laugh.
In short, I let loose.

Sampailah the time when we check-in & getting ready for a dip in the pool.

Aku tak puas hati bila depa (the hubs & my daughters) had fun without me.
Aku tak puas hati bila depa boleh gelak-gelak, happy-happy seronok main air without me.
Aku tak puas hati bila depa seronok enjoying the holiday while I have to sit back and watch out for my lil baby.

I love my baby. I do. I really do.
I enjoy spending time with him, since kalau weekdays he'll be with at the nursery and clings to his daddy like a baby koala.

Cumanya, as I said.
Aku tak puas hati. Or is it something else?

I don't know.

I burst out easily when I'm tired.
I shouted at my kids and husband when the house is a mess.

I know I think too much. Especially on things that has not happen yet.

I just can't help it.

Kalau rumah tak vakum, nanti rambut dan habuk teruk berselerak atas lantai.
Bila tak vakum, habuk dan rambut pun bersepah bertambah.
Lepas tu, anak-anak mula tak sihat.
Demam. Selsema. Batuk.

Memang la sama-sama jaga.
Tapi yang berat kepala, aku juga.

Dah penat jaga depa, kena kemas rumah jugak. Kena lipat kain jugak.

Kalau rumah kotor, bila nak sehat?
Macamana anak-anak nak kuat?

Belum masuk cerita kisah seram mencari kutu depa.
Dan basuh tangan baju sekolah yang ada kotoran susah tanggal hurmmm

Aku memang tak kuat.
Mungkin dengan marah-marah, I'm letting go of the steam a bit.

But,
The steam is not good for the family.
Not good for the husband.
Not good for me.

Settle

One of my daily morning routine, is watching YouTube videos while having my breakfast. A habit I picked up since uni years, had meals in front of the computer is one of the ways to utilize my 'me time' during working hours.

Came across this JinnyBoy's video featuring Elizabeth Tan.

Before this, I never see myself teaching. Tutoring and helping out, yes. But teaching and marking papers per-say is a BIG NO.

Probably because I know that I'm not that smart. And not that holy-some to be teaching other people. 

So, how can the mother crab teaches her babies to walk straight??

Fast forward, I've been teaching for 10 years now. 

I learned a lot. I revise and study again all the components especially Grammar parts before coming to class. I read more. I practice constantly. And I learn from my mistakes. I can see that I'm improving. And better through years. 

And I must say, after all these, I do not know what else I can do other than teaching.

I don't hate it. But I am not really 100% passionate about it.

But I do need the money.

So, am I settling down for good?

Are there still chances for me to try others?

What is it that I wanted to do actually?

In my 30s and still thinking about it?

Ape yang kau nak sebenarnya ni?!

Robek

Husband smiled and hugged me from behind.

"Kenapa ni?" tanya aku.

"Rindu..." jawab dia.

I know. 

I miss myself too.

Rezeki

Mula-mula macam ragu-ragu.

"Cukup tak duit aku nanti?"

 Alhamdulillah, Allah cukupkan juga.

Setelah 10 tahun bekerja.

Ini yang kali pertama. Dengan usaha sendiri.

Semoga berkat. Semoga diberi rahmat.

Semoga diberi peluang untuk tahun yang mendatang.

Dengan izin-Nya.

Ameeen!

Lucky No 7

A friend posted this picture on her timeline, asking everyone to pick  2 from the pills available.

I only choose 1 pill. And I chose pill no 7.

And it got everyone's attention,

"Kenapa taknak amek pil no 8?"

"Kenapa taknak amek no 4?"

"Tahu tak yang banyak duit tapi tak bahagia, tetap tak kemana??"

I simply chose no 7, because I believe I can do a lot (and have a lot of things for me and my family) if I chose pill no 7.

And suddenly I realised that, the decision to pick pill no 7 was not due to me being greedy. 

But it was the other way around! 

I realised that, 

1- I already looked younger that my age (still not gonna tell you my age LOL)

2- Why do I need to read people's mind? Carik masalah saje pfft!

3- My ex(es) *ehem* are parts of who I am know. So, not gonna need that. Next!

4- Yes, still not in my before-pregnancy weight but still OK ;)

5- Dah takde harapan. Case closed. Next!

6- No, I don't want to be super kuat. Super healthy and fit PLEASE?

7- KACHINGGGGGGGG! 

8- Alhamdulillah... :)

9- Takde keperluan. 

So yeah, if I have more money that what I already have now, I believe I can reach out to many others who needs help in any ways. 

Though money cannot buy some things, it sure can help ease  the burden of someone else...

Beria explain. Kuiz bodo je pon. 

Verangan macam dapat pil kaya sungguh pfft!

I wish!

Azam bulan baru *ehem*

Masalahnya tadi saya dah makan 5 biji kukis:

1 kukis = 503 kal
503 kal x 5 = 2515 kal

And I am supposed to only eat 1358 kal if I wanted to maintain my current weight.
How laaa like this?!

*facepalm*