Pend*sa

Lately, I’ve been doing something that I should not have done without remorse. Perhaps it’s because I know that that no one will judge me. So I keep repeating them without guilty.

I know it’s wrong. I know I should not done it. But still, I did it. 

Despite being bad, Allah never leaves me alone. He always giving. He always deliver. 

Maybe I should reward myself. 

If I’m able to not do it for 5 days straight, I should buy myself a cake. 

If I perform for the full month, I should reward myself even more.

Mengade kan? Sendiri buat salah, tak malu langsung smp nak bagi hadiah kt diri sndri laa ape laa. 

Maaf tuhan. Aku pendosa yang selalu lupa. 

Gediks.

 A small part of me wanted to be liked by everyone. Wanted to always be love. To be supported. To always be agreed with. 

But I know that it is impossible.

Because I myself did not like everyone.

At times, I'll be jealous knowing that I'm not considered important in the group. But then again, I did not return the same energy to the them. I'm happy being a loner. I like being unnoticed.

Tapi yelah, datang time mengada mintak dimanja begitulahhhhhhhhh 

Mak tak cehat. Sobs.

I've been sick for since last week. Coughing with mild fever. Sore throat and body fatigue. Been to the clinic twice. And had been recovering after taking the antibiotic. And the major thing is: I've been feeling gassy and bloated non stop!

Makan dah makan. Kenyang dah kenyang. Tapi bahu lenguh-lenguh minta di urut. Lepas urut baru lega dapat sedawa. Masalahnya sampai bila nak kena urut ni sebab angin tak berhenti-henti *cry*

Laki pulak cepat penat bila mintak tolong urut. Nak beli kerusi urut taktau bila. Bila badan sakit, nak tido pun tak tenang asek nak minta urut dan sedawa. Bila susah tido, kepala sakit. Bila kepala sakit, dah tak boleh nak pikir dan buat keputusan dengan baik. Semua benda kat rumah tu pulak semua ibu jugak yang nak kena pikir. Bila ibu naik suara sebab sakit kepala kena pikir benda simple, ibu jugak yang kena marah balik. 

Ini baru nak masuk 40 tau, udah tak larat deme nak layan sakit penat kita. Ibu cedey. *sobs* 

So, nak taknak, kena chin up. And remind myself that I am responsible for my own self. I am responsible for my own health. My own body. My own happiness. 

I need to be more serious in taking care of myself. Sebab memang at the end of the day, we only have ourselves to blame kalau diri sendiri tak sehat.

I knew that. But at times I still make bad choices. For I am only human. And as human, I am bound to make mistakes.

But as a human who is already reaching her 40s, I need to know my boundaries. Yes, money is important. But taking care of myself must be made a priority.

Karang Allah tarik nikmat sehat baru ang tau! Nauzubillah!

27.3.2023

Sarah dah masuk asrama gais 😂

Bukan M*RSM. Bukan S*BP. Bukan T*aayah. Bukan T*ahfiz.
Tapi S*ABK. And not so far from home alhamdulillah...

Was a bit sad, for sure. Not getting into all those listed schools. But I'm also glad.

Sebab sedih rupanya bila kakak Sarah dah masuk asrama. 

Macam hilang seri rumah tu. Tak cukup seorang.

She called the 2nd day, sobbing.

"Kakak Sarah nak masuk sekolah harian ke?"

"Nak... tapi tak boleh. Kena cuba dulu. Takde pilihan sekolah harian yang bagus..."

Kasihan dia...

Nak masuk asrama sebab nak fokus belajar, tapi nak duduk dekat dengan keluarga jugak...

Inilah namanya jihad, kakak Sarah.

Jauh dari keluarga, demi untuk mendapatkan ilmu.

Merasa susah dan tidak selesa, demi mempersiapkan diri menempuh masa depan yang lagi hebat cabarannya... 

---

Dia ni dah biasa ke mana-mana berdua dengan adik dia, Hannan.

Dan ini kali pertama dia tak masuk sekolah yang sama dengan Hannan.

Maka bersedialah kakak Sarah, untuk kembali melayan kerenah Hannan yang insyaallah akan masuk jugak ke sekolah yang sama dengan awak tahun hadapan hahahahaha

---

At home, Hannan automatically steps up, taking over kakak Sarah punya chores. 

Punyalah ringan tulang, semacam tak percaya begitu sekali effectnya bila kakak dia takde hahahahahahahahaha

---

Tahun depan, kalau berejeki Hannan pun masuk asrama, tinggallah ibu abah dan Umar bertiga di rumah.

Oh. Lamanya nak tunggu giliran Umar pulak masuk asrama. Lambat lagi laa nak merasa dating berdua saja dengan bapak depa hahahahahahaha 

13.

My eldest is now 13.

No longer a baby. Already a pre-teen.

I love you still, baby.

You taught me how to be patient. How to grow mature. How to live better.

Most importantly, you love me. 

Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter. Always nice. Always kind.

Ibu doakan Sarah dapat semua yang Sarah impikan, semua yang Sarah mahukan. Dan semuanya yang terbaik untuk Ummu Sarah yang ibu sayang.

Belum masuk asrama, but I miss you already. Sobs. 

 

More him than me…

Issa hurt. 
When you punch me. Kicked me. Throw me out of the bed.

Issa hurt. 
When you avoid me. Not looking at me. Ignoring me. 

It does not hurt on the outside. Nothing on the skin. No scar on my head. 

But it hurts deeply inside. 
In my heart. In my mind. 

I know you didn’t mean it. I know you mean well. 
But it stills hurt. Inside. 

I miss you, baby. 
Please love me as well…

Driving to Pagoh

Dah lama tak mandiri. 
Tapi mata ni, tetap nampak dia di mana-mana.

Tetap ingat dia. Tetap terkenangkan dia.

Tak boleh laa jauh lama-lama 🙈