You know what?

I FINISHED A BOOK! LIKE FINALLY! AFTER MANY YEARS OF NOT READING!

So happy with myself! But still trying to not buy a new book, but to keep reading the rest that have been bought and waiting to be held! 

Bismillah! Loving 2026 so far! Alhamdulillah! 

January jots...

Hello January! And a happy new year too!

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It has been hectic in our household. We have been busy every weekend, even on some weekdays too. Out looking for school items, settling doctor's appointments... phew. 

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Happy to share that kakak Sarah was offered a place in M*RSM yay! Like finally! We do not really expect that she got in, despite going to the entry exam and praying hard for it. Tapi kalau dah namanya rezeki, akan sampai jua masanya. 

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But the plot twist was - she was offered Batu Pahat. Not from the 3 lists we chose. LOL.

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Takkan nak tolak kan? Despite the distance, we are still grateful, alhamdulillah.

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Atoknek went together during her registration excluding Hannan. Rasa macam ralat tak pontengkan Hannan but then again, it is what it is.

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Bukan tak pernah rasa anak masuk asrama. Tapi tulah tu. Pulak kakak Sarah nanges pulak on the second day waktu dia call hari tu haaa koyak mak dibuatnyaaaa...

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Minggu lepas kakak Sarah balik bermalam. Minggu ni Hannan pulak. Punya lain tahun ni punya arrangement. Kena tunggu cuti sekolah laa baru boleh reunion semua hehe

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I really hope Hannan is coping well at school with new motivation now her kakak is at M*RSM. And I prayed that Sarah will be able to adapt with new culture and challenges at a new school especially being a new student there. 

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Semoga Allah jaga anak-anak saya dimana jua mereka berada AMEEEN! 

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You know what? Umar pun lain macam pe'el dia tahun ni. Memang menduga iman dan hati huhu...

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Oh I forgot to story! Umar dah setel tampal gigi yay! And it cost us RM200++ double yay but alhamdulillah nonetheless

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ok ok that's the last one. Will improve my writing skills better. Lama dah tak mengarang. Bai!  

The Not So Happy Trip To The Dentist

Been a hectic week. 

Finally got the chance to bring my boy to the dentist. And had been prepping him since last week, 

“Kita nak pegi dentist, OK? We want doctor to check your teeth!” 

“My teeth got germs? Doctor wants to brush my teeth?”

And when it was finally the day, we went up the stairs and he’s still in a good mood. 

… that is until the doctor asked him to open his mouth. And when he saw the blunt-but-looks-sharp tools on the dentist’s hand, “Tapi nanti ade blood!” he screamed! 

Mind you, his hand was also on his chest, saying aloud “MY HEART DUPDAPDUPDAP!”

This was not his first rodeo. And he also got 2 baby tooth pulled out by the same doctor! 

Tapi tulah, today was not the day. 

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t sad. And annoyed. And frustrated.

Because I hope to checked this one out from the list. 

Tapi tulah, today was just not the day. 

Bismillah. Bantuin aku ya Allah! 

Men. At times.

Bila kau nk diskusi tapi suami kau hati kering be like: 

“Insyaallah. Usaha, doa, tawakkal.”

Habis diskusi. 😅

And by the way, kakak Sarah got into M*RSM gais! 

All praise to Allah! ALHAMDULILLAHHHH 🥳

 

The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side

Went for my annual routine check-ups at the usual hospital. 

Overheard the staff complaining about no claim, difficult leave applications, bad management…

… and here I thought their so-called big and secured company are settled and organised for life. Turns out, mana-mana pun sama ja sebenarnya. 

Despite whatever, they still sabr and work with a smile :)

Alhamdulillah for the rezqi. Because all of these are not from the company, but from Allah the Almighty.

Oh hi! My first post for 2025! 

I missed this.  

Pend*sa

Lately, I’ve been doing something that I should not have done without remorse. Perhaps it’s because I know that that no one will judge me. So I keep repeating them without guilty.

I know it’s wrong. I know I should not done it. But still, I did it. 

Despite being bad, Allah never leaves me alone. He always giving. He always deliver. 

Maybe I should reward myself. 

If I’m able to not do it for 5 days straight, I should buy myself a cake. 

If I perform for the full month, I should reward myself even more.

Mengade kan? Sendiri buat salah, tak malu langsung smp nak bagi hadiah kt diri sndri laa ape laa. 

Maaf tuhan. Aku pendosa yang selalu lupa. 

Gediks.

 A small part of me wanted to be liked by everyone. Wanted to always be love. To be supported. To always be agreed with. 

But I know that it is impossible.

Because I myself do not like everyone.

At times, I'll be jealous knowing that I'm not considered important in the group. But then again, I did not return the same energy to the them. I'm happy being a loner. I like being unnoticed.

Tapi yelah, datang time mengada mintak dimanjahhh begitulahhhhhhhhh 

Mak tak cehat. Sobs.

I've been sick since last week. Coughing with mild fever. Sore throat and body fatigue. Been to the clinic twice. And had been recovering after taking the antibiotic. And the major thing is: I've been feeling gassy and bloated non stop!

Makan dah makan. Kenyang dah kenyang. Tapi bahu lenguh-lenguh minta di urut. Lepas urut baru lega dapat sedawa. Masalahnya sampai bila nak kena urut ni sebab angin tak berhenti-henti *cry*

Laki pulak cepat penat bila mintak tolong urut. Nak beli kerusi urut taktau bila. Bila badan sakit, nak tido pun tak tenang asek nak minta urut dan sedawa. Bila susah tido, kepala sakit. Bila kepala sakit, dah tak boleh nak pikir dan buat keputusan dengan baik. Semua benda kat rumah tu pulak semua ibu jugak yang nak kena pikir. Bila ibu naik suara sebab sakit kepala kena pikir benda simple, ibu jugak yang kena marah balik. 

Ini baru nak masuk 40 tau, udah tak larat deme nak layan sakit penat kita. Ibu cedey. *sobs* 

So, nak taknak, kena chin up. And remind myself that I am responsible for my own self. I am responsible for my own health. My own body. My own happiness. 

I need to be more serious in taking care of myself. Sebab memang at the end of the day, we only have ourselves to blame kalau diri sendiri tak sehat.

I knew that. But at times I still make bad choices. For I am only human. And as human, I am bound to make mistakes.

But as a human who is already reaching her 40s, I need to know my boundaries. Yes, money is important. But taking care of myself must be made a priority.

Karang Allah tarik nikmat sehat baru ang tau! Nauzubillah!

27.3.2023

Sarah dah masuk asrama gais 😂

Bukan M*RSM. Bukan S*BP. Bukan T*aayah. Bukan T*ahfiz.
Tapi S*ABK. And not so far from home alhamdulillah...

Was a bit sad, for sure. Not getting into all those listed schools. But I'm also glad.

Sebab sedih rupanya bila kakak Sarah dah masuk asrama. 

Macam hilang seri rumah tu. Tak cukup seorang.

She called the 2nd day, sobbing.

"Kakak Sarah nak masuk sekolah harian ke?"

"Nak... tapi tak boleh. Kena cuba dulu. Takde pilihan sekolah harian yang bagus..."

Kasihan dia...

Nak masuk asrama sebab nak fokus belajar, tapi nak duduk dekat dengan keluarga jugak...

Inilah namanya jihad, kakak Sarah.

Jauh dari keluarga, demi untuk mendapatkan ilmu.

Merasa susah dan tidak selesa, demi mempersiapkan diri menempuh masa depan yang lagi hebat cabarannya... 

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Dia ni dah biasa ke mana-mana berdua dengan adik dia, Hannan.

Dan ini kali pertama dia tak masuk sekolah yang sama dengan Hannan.

Maka bersedialah kakak Sarah, untuk kembali melayan kerenah Hannan yang insyaallah akan masuk jugak ke sekolah yang sama dengan awak tahun hadapan hahahahaha

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At home, Hannan automatically steps up, taking over kakak Sarah punya chores. 

Punyalah ringan tulang, semacam tak percaya begitu sekali effectnya bila kakak dia takde hahahahahahahahaha

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Tahun depan, kalau berejeki Hannan pun masuk asrama, tinggallah ibu abah dan Umar bertiga di rumah.

Oh. Lamanya nak tunggu giliran Umar pulak masuk asrama. Lambat lagi laa nak merasa dating berdua saja dengan bapak depa hahahahahahaha 

13.

My eldest is now 13.

No longer a baby. Already a pre-teen.

I love you still, baby.

You taught me how to be patient. How to grow mature. How to live better.

Most importantly, you love me. 

Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter. Always nice. Always kind.

Ibu doakan Sarah dapat semua yang Sarah impikan, semua yang Sarah mahukan. Dan semuanya yang terbaik untuk Ummu Sarah yang ibu sayang.

Belum masuk asrama, but I miss you already. Sobs. 

 

More him than me…

Issa hurt. 
When you punch me. Kicked me. Throw me out of the bed.

Issa hurt. 
When you avoid me. Not looking at me. Ignoring me. 

It does not hurt on the outside. Nothing on the skin. No scar on my head. 

But it hurts deeply inside. 
In my heart. In my mind. 

I know you didn’t mean it. I know you mean well. 
But it stills hurt. Inside. 

I miss you, baby. 
Please love me as well…

Driving to Pagoh

Dah lama tak mandiri. 
Tapi mata ni, tetap nampak dia di mana-mana.

Tetap ingat dia. Tetap terkenangkan dia.

Tak boleh laa jauh lama-lama 🙈 

October 16, 2022

 I miss you already sobs 

October 13, 2022

Nak pegi bercuti.
Takde mood nak koje.
Tapi kalau tak koje, takde gaji.
Kalau takde gaji, acane nk belanje?

Dan kalau tak boleh nak belanje, acane nak pegi bercuti??

So, bangkit juge le kome...

Bangun pegi koje...

Sebab kalau tak keroje, 

Ape pun tak boleh jadi.

*sigh*

Dilema Seorang Emak

Bila di pejabat, rindu si anak.

Tapi, sekembalinya di rumah, sibuk kelebet hal rumah pula.

Bila anak tak sihat, hati risau tidur tak tenang.

Tapi di hantarnya juga ke sekolah.

Alasan: tak boleh cuti, banyak kerja di pejabat.

Jadinya, pentingkan anak atau kerja?

Tak kerja, tak cukup belanja.

Bila kerja, tak cukup masa bersama.

Tapi bukan ke rezeki Tuhan yang bagi?

Haa tepuk!

Rindu

Rindu. 
Bila jauh rindu, 
Depan mata pun rindu. 

Bila je tak rindu? 

Bila marah. 

Bila je tak marah?

I honestly have no answer to that. 

March 4, 2021

Woke up late this morning. Was in a rush for everything - prepping breakfast, packing Umar's bag, showering etc

Then I heard laughing from the kitchen. Opened the door to see the husband chatting with girls about 'international culture' while having breakfast together. 

It warmed my heart. The view. Their laughs. 

Terima kasih, ya Allah. For this lovely gift.

February 23, 2021

I just created an account in L*inkedln.

And suddenly had the urge to search this one uni friend of mine. The amazing Emma. 

And after all these time, she is still amazing. Even more! So proud of her. 

I still didn't know what happened between me and her. Tetibe kena unfriend. I typed a long message to her, still. No reply.

Obviously, I did not moved on. Hence the stalking LOL

*    *    *    *    *

I actually envy her. Still. And a lot others. 

How they became a better version of themselves. Professionally. Could that have been me?

Can I still get this family that I have now, if I were to pursue the so-called career of mine?

*    *    *    *    *    

No one can predict the future. One can only plan.

February 10, 2021

 

February 9, 2021

At the KD, after almost 6 months missing Umar's appointments.

 "Wahhh... ke sana ke sini puan ye mengisahkan appointment anak ye?"

Come to think about it, yes. 

My calendar is filled with Umar's follow-up with the paeds, OT treatments and speech classes...

Alhamdulillah, his focus retention is better. More eye contact with us. A lot of role-playing developed. But even though he has not yet speaking properly, he's very good with his body language. Or it is us who are alhamdulillah able to understand his body and facial expressions which allow us to engage with him better. 

But I still think there's a lot more than I can do. That can be done. 

I know I cannot compare myself with other supermom out there. But it always hurt when I know that I can be and do better.

"But I need rest. I am tired. I need time to myself."

Said the lazy, incompetent, selfish, stupid mother to herself.