Welcoming 2020

Started the new year weighing at 59 kg.
And got into a huge fight with the husband.

Such a bad start.
How’s yours?

11 years.

I love you husband.
So much.

I may not good at showing it. Or even saying it out loud.
But I really, really love you.
So much.

Allah is so kind to me.
You are the one gift that is not for sharing!

Thank you for accepting me as me.
For always putting me first.
For always considering me in all your decision making.

I love you.
So much.
My darling. My baby.

My handsome man baby :*

Proud.

My sister got into CFS IIUM! *yay*

If only she knew how blessed she was.
I know that being the youngest is not always easy. But the perks of it was quite many.

Thank you Allah, for the continuous blessing upon my family.
Semoga kami semua tidak lupa diri.

Getting my hands on T-oujours K-ids Fruit & Vegetable blend.
Insyaallah!

The day I took the first pill, I got serious headache. Got very tired. Felt like doing nothing. Nak baringgggg je.

Read somewhere online. Rupanya I'm experincing some of its side effects. Tapi doc kate takde side effect langsung? Ntah la. Lain orang lain pengalaman.

But, yeah. I noticed that I'm calmer.

I still get angry though. Cuma it didn't get to my head. The anger somehow being compressed and instead of yelling, I just raised my voice a bit and then stopped talking.

Wow. Never knew I can do that. Because for sometime now, kalau aku marah2, it will always get messy where I'll end up feeling guilty of all the nasty words came up from this monster mummy.

And it is always the kids who will have to endure it. Kasihan depa.
Ibu minta maaf sayang :(

Prozac 101

Made it to the psychiatrist.
I thought the doctor would make me lie on my back and ask me questions and let me cry and all.
Nothing like that at all.

She scolded me some more adelah *hahaha*

Asked me about my salary. And scolded me for still working with the company that didn't appreciate me financially.

I told her that life is not all about money. It's more than that.

And she scolded me back again. Saying that everything needs money. And I'll feel much better if I have more money to spend on myself.

Tough love this one.

She sent for the hubs and the kids. Wanted to ask them about me I guess.

"You selalu main hp ka? Jangan la main hp, tolong isteri you buat kerja rumah..."
"Mama selalu marah-marah ka kat rumah? Doktor kasi mama ubat, kasi you tak kena marah lagi mau ka??"

Sungguh ka dia ni doktor ni??

Ching!

Finally! 

Had the chance to have a one-on-one date with le hubsbaby! 

Coincidently on the V-day, OK? 

*hashtagdoneclaim*

I was usually the one who plans, and he’s the one paying hiks.

But this time, I don’t really feel like it. 

No jitters. No happy-romantic mood or the like. 

I expected nothing. 

Entah why. Rasa macam rugitakgunacutisebabcutidahlulustapibanyakkejenakbuattapikejemanapernahabesbilalaginakdatingtpbukanadeduitpunnaksplurgeondatesntahlaaaaaaaaaaaa

Mungkin sebab dah lama sangat pending nak dating, when the time actually fits, I felt just OK. 

I got afraid of planning.

Because when I plan something nice, something will come up and ruins it. 

He gotta work. Umar warded. Cuti abes jaga Umar warded. Cannot cuti because too much work pending attending to the baby. Money wasted on eating out cause mommy’s too tired stressed to use the kitchen. I could go on and on and on and on...

.

.

.

Registered for a seminar last weekend. 

At first, I registered for the course mainly because it is on a Saturday and it was held near BBB. 

So many plans in my head: shopping, food hunting, and the likes.

My colleagues who went to the same program looked at me weirdly and asked, 

“Kenapa taknak balik terus? Tak rindu anak ke?”

I answered, “Waktu aku keluar rumah tadi pagi pun, sorang pun tak keluar babai ibu depa... pakat melekat dengan abah saja, kau rasa?!”

.

.

It’s not that I don’t miss them, I do! 

But I just want to do something for me. Go somewhere that I want fo be without having to think about anyone else. I just want go be bothered about my own stuff, my own needs. 

.

.

Initially, I enjoyed the date. But I knew it’ll be a better date if the kids are around. Then I’ll complain again saying I want my me-time blablabla 

Story of my current life. 

Normally, it did not hurt this much.

Ibu yang terbersalah.

“Korang dah try bagi xxx? Cuba lah, orang kata bagus...”

“Engkorang bagi dia makan apa ni? Ade benda yang  dia tak boleh makan ni...”

“Dah cuba rawatan xxx?”

“Sikit-sikit masuk hospital. Suke sangat duduk sana ye?”

“Tak cuba hospital xxx? Hospital xxx tu bukan elok sangat...”

“Xyah la hantar dia ke taska laa. Hantar je rumah orang, xde masuk hospital selalu...”

“Ape laa yang ko makan time pregnant dia dulu? Tulaa makan tak jaga...”

Ye. 

Semua salah aku. 

Aku yang buat anak aku jadi macamni.

Aku yang mintak. Aku yang mencari. 

Amacam? 

Dah puas hati? 

Silver lining? Why silver? Why can't it be yellow?

Someone took my sandals today.
Right after Maghrib prayer.

When I realised that it was lost, I was not that shocked.
Do not know why.

Maybe it has to do with something that I have said last time.
About wanting to lose my slippers and have the reason to buy a new one?

But, the one that was lost today was not a slipper.
It was my fave sandals!
.
.
The good thing is: I have a reason to scout/buy a new one! *yay*
The problem is: I do not really have the money/time at the moment. *sad*

I can't bring the whole team with me because:

1) It will be a lost of their time having to wait and jumping in-and-out of shops just so I could find something that I like and has good pricing as well! 

2) I will easily lost my patience and my appetite to shop when they make faces and grumps for having to wait for me finish shopping!

I have issues. I know.
But I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Solution?
- will do the shopping part alone
- need to go see someone about me and my anger management issues.
But I doubt it. I don't think I'll do that. Cause I do not have the time!

Happy New Year

“Umar dah setahun lebih ye? Dah ‘langkah longkang’ kan? Orang tua-tua percaya, kata kalau budak boleh langkah longkang maknanya dah beso la tu, dah takde sakit-sakit dah insyaallah...”

Checking in at exactly 2 days after the above conversation.
Talked too soon.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STRESS!

Don’t get me wrong, I love it when my parents came to visit.
I get to spend lotsa quality time with my mom.
And she can look after Umar so I can get some things done.

However, I also (at times) get very crazy when they are here with us *urghhh*

Like, for example:

My mom just can’t sit still. She’ll be rummaging my room, looking for kain to lipat, baju to repair, carpet to vaccum. And just this evening, she’s making herself busy trimming my lawn.

Not that I’m not thankful but at her age, I just need her to relax and play with her grandson. I can take care of the rest. “I got this, ibu...”.

And knowing that she’ll be tired and all, makes me stressful!
Like nak-marah-semua-orang-punya-stressful!

And there’s my dad.
My I’m-hungry-bila-nak-masak-macam-mana-nak-makan-kalau-tak-hidang kinda dad.
(-_-“)

At his age now, he can get very selfish.

For example:
My baby is asleep, and he’s happily increased the volume of the TV.

Another example was this evening, when everyone (and I mean everyone including Umar the baby) was out tending to the lawn, he so happily watching Netflix and even has the guts to “Eh, takde minum petang ke?”

Ko ghase?

And there’s the blocked sink. It messes the kitchen. And I got cranky when things got messy and nothing was done to make it better. And they keep using the sink despite me telling them to go wash their hands in the washroom (there’s also usable sink there).

And oh! Did I mentioned that I need to have to present my slides tomorrow in front of the president. And I havent finished the slides due to bad WIFI at the hospital?

Umar was warded the whole of last week. We just got discharged yesterday’s evening. And that’s another story for another time.

And before maghrib I was making muka sebab penat tapi nak kena masak sebab takkan-nak-mintak-ibu-yang-penat-tu-masak-jugak dan tetiba my dad asked bila nak siap masak ni?!

Cepatttt je rasa macam nak beli makan kat luar, but due to my recent discussion with the husband: money is something that we need to control from now onwards. So, no to eating out.

Tetiba, the husband got fedup and and stormed out of the house looking for things to repair the sink alone. Or I assumed.

Now, Umar is asleep and my dad got so hyped with ntah cerita apa dia tengok and turn on the volume some more.

So, you see... I have so much to do. But I use the time to complain instead.

Whose to blame now??

********************

Semua orang penat.
My mom penat tolong kemas rumah anak dia yang tak terjaga, sebab kesian sibuk jaga anak kecik.
My sister pun penat, sebab asyik kena suruh sini sana mentang2 laaa dia kecik lagi baru lepas SPM semua.
My husband lagi penat, sebab dia taknak buat semua yang dia kena buat harini sebab dia nak rehat penat jaga anak masuk hospital ituhari tapi kalau tak buat bini marah-marah.

Kau cakap bapak kau selfish?
Kau pun sama!

I miss yous

A sent me a picture yesterday.

Of her with Ems and Addy.
Oh how I miss those two!

But, I know my place.
Which is no longer with 'em.

I've been unfriended.
And even after a long message, I'm still unfriended.

Takkan tak paham bahasa lagi kan, wahai makyong?

Takpelah... janji korang sihat dan bahagia selalu :)

*Very the drama. I know.
But, life is nothing but drama. No?

The plan.

Every year, on my birthday, I will take an AL and spend the day to myself.

This year, I plan to spend the day watching movies, stuffing myself with snacks and ice-creams and carbonated drinks.

Well, one can only plan.

I got sick the week before.
So, I took a 2-days AL just to stay in, healthy-ing myself.
And this affected my day job. It delayed my marking process.

So, on the day when I was supposed to be on leave, I didn't.
I stayed back and finished marking.
And I did finished.
So, good job to me!

But, I didn't get to spend the 'me-time' that I've planned since forever.

Being an adult sucks!

Happy 34th, women! Plan better next year!

To lie or not to lie

Met my fellow uni mates and seniors at one academic training back at my alma mater.

Everyone was busy chatting up, filling in each other with latest news and gossips.

And then, kak F turned and ask,

"You dah buat Masters kan? Bila nak buat PhD??"

*PhDpadiaMasterspuntakpernahregister*

*gilamaluahnakngakudepasemuadahadeMasters*

*akujeyanggilekojelecturertapitakdeMasters*

*bukansalahakukampeniyangtakbagibuat*

*ehsedapjekausalahkanorang*

*pffft*

In the flash, I replied,

"Aah, tapi dah lama extend ni. Sebab beranak ituhari. Ni pon taktau nak sambung balik ke idak sebab macam dah malas huhu..."

Fuhh... lepas satu bala. So I thought. 

"Awak buat kat mana ituhari?"

Ya Allah dia bulih tanya lagik ape aku nak goreng lagi ni?!

"Ermm, buat kat Open Uni kat Somban tu je. Dekat sikit. Tapi mahal laa..."

Omaigad!
Boleh pulak aku terus menipu lagi?

I don't want to be good at lying.

But I don't want to look bad around them either.

And I don't want them to make that look to me too! 

The look. That look that says...

"Eyeww, tengok dia tu kata pensyarah tapi Masters pun takde perasan je..."

"Kalau takde Masters, mana bulih mengaku pensyarah. Awak level tutors je laa..."

"Kenapa tak sambung Masters? Buat laa weekends. Jangan beralasan..."

(- - ")

I knew that Kak F will never look me that way. None of them will.

It was me. Who looked down on myself.

Even after working as an educator for 10 solid years, I still did not see myself as a 'Lecturer'.

Dengan takde Masters-nya.

Dengan gaji ciputnya.

Dengan takde increment almost 5 years now. 

Tu tak kira lagi dengan heavy workloads and on-the-spot assignments/filings.

I enjoy teaching. I do.

I just don't enjoy working with management that only demands sacrifices on our part but not really on theirs.

Tapi, yelahkan... dah nama pun makan gaji.
What are you really expecting?

Such is life.

Just got my salary on the 31st.

Today,
my current balance: RM100.

I can do this.
We can do this.

What do you think?

Very wrong

I've been dreading for a holiday since my last confinement break.

"Nak gi holiday, nak tenangkan fikiran dan hati..."

"Nak gi holiday, nak berehat dan chill dengan family..."

So, last Saturday we went for an ad-hock trip. 

Beach resort in the middle of the city.

Everything went well at first.

We ate. We laugh.
In short, I let loose.

Sampailah the time when we check-in & getting ready for a dip in the pool.

Aku tak puas hati bila depa (the hubs & my daughters) had fun without me.
Aku tak puas hati bila depa boleh gelak-gelak, happy-happy seronok main air without me.
Aku tak puas hati bila depa seronok enjoying the holiday while I have to sit back and watch out for my lil baby.

I love my baby. I do. I really do.
I enjoy spending time with him, since kalau weekdays he'll be with at the nursery and clings to his daddy like a baby koala.

Cumanya, as I said.
Aku tak puas hati. Or is it something else?

I don't know.

I burst out easily when I'm tired.
I shouted at my kids and husband when the house is a mess.

I know I think too much. Especially on things that has not happen yet.

I just can't help it.

Kalau rumah tak vakum, nanti rambut dan habuk teruk berselerak atas lantai.
Bila tak vakum, habuk dan rambut pun bersepah bertambah.
Lepas tu, anak-anak mula tak sihat.
Demam. Selsema. Batuk.

Memang la sama-sama jaga.
Tapi yang berat kepala, aku juga.

Dah penat jaga depa, kena kemas rumah jugak. Kena lipat kain jugak.

Kalau rumah kotor, bila nak sehat?
Macamana anak-anak nak kuat?

Belum masuk cerita kisah seram mencari kutu depa.
Dan basuh tangan baju sekolah yang ada kotoran susah tanggal hurmmm

Aku memang tak kuat.
Mungkin dengan marah-marah, I'm letting go of the steam a bit.

But,
The steam is not good for the family.
Not good for the husband.
Not good for me.

Settle

One of my daily morning routine, is watching YouTube videos while having my breakfast. A habit I picked up since uni years, had meals in front of the computer is one of the ways to utilize my 'me time' during working hours.

Came across this JinnyBoy's video featuring Elizabeth Tan.

Before this, I never see myself teaching. Tutoring and helping out, yes. But teaching and marking papers per-say is a BIG NO.

Probably because I know that I'm not that smart. And not that holy-some to be teaching other people. 

So, how can the mother crab teaches her babies to walk straight??

Fast forward, I've been teaching for 10 years now. 

I learned a lot. I revise and study again all the components especially Grammar parts before coming to class. I read more. I practice constantly. And I learn from my mistakes. I can see that I'm improving. And better through years. 

And I must say, after all these, I do not know what else I can do other than teaching.

I don't hate it. But I am not really 100% passionate about it.

But I do need the money.

So, am I settling down for good?

Are there still chances for me to try others?

What is it that I wanted to do actually?

In my 30s and still thinking about it?

Ape yang kau nak sebenarnya ni?!

Robek

Husband smiled and hugged me from behind.

"Kenapa ni?" tanya aku.

"Rindu..." jawab dia.

I know. 

I miss myself too.