November 2015

It is now November.

Sat ja, kan?

Baru ja dok meroyan new year resolution, udah nak akhir tahun.

Alhamdulillah. Allah panjangkan umur.
Alhamdulillah. Allah murahkan rezeki.
Alhamdulillah. Allah limpahkan rahmat bahagia bersama keluarga tersayang.

Dan alhamdulillah, bulan ini aku genap 31 tahun.

Tapi entah kenapa, I suddenly reminiscing my times with arwah Opah.

Both my Opah.

Opah Yon,
Tak banyak yang aku ingat pasal dia.
Pasal she left when I was 8 years old.
But her kindness and love somehow sticks in my mind.

I  kinda remember being the most she loved in the house, the one she always carry in her arms.

It is a really nice feeling, knowing you are loved. You know?

And Opah Rafidah.
Who always smile when I am around.

I am glad she's able to see Sarah before she eventually left us due to her ill-health.

Ayong sayaaaang Opah...

Self- Reflect 101

Ntah macamana, tetiba dok sembang pasal maksud nama anak dalam pejabat tadi.

Jenuh laa ustazah tu dok menjawab satu-satu.

Ada yang tanya, "Betul ke nama Balqis tu tak boleh bubuh? Sebab nama tu dikaitkan dengan jin? Pasal hakak punya anak sedara namanya Balqis boleh nampak jin wehhh..."

By the way, bukan aku hakak tu ye??

Dipendekkan cerita, ustazah tu menceritakan kisah Ratu Balqis dan Nabi Sulaiman. Untuk membuktikan yang nama Balqis tiada kaitan dengan perihal jin dan makhluk halus yang lain.

Yang lain-lain semua senyappp je tekun mendengar.

Aku bisik tanya kat Dee, 
"Aku tanye ko jangan mara, tapi ko tak tahu ke cerita ni?"

"Kite tahulah nama Balqis tu tapi kite tak tahu pulak dia Ratu Balqis, kerajaan sembah matahari semua tu..."

Dan aku ade sedikit terkejut.

Pasaipa depa tak tahu?
Dan kenapa pulak aku tahu?
Aku bukan ustajah pun aku tahu???

And then it gets me.
Ini semua hasil dari didikan dan tarbiah sejak dari sekolah rendah laei.

Ibu ayah daftar aku ke KPIP habes sekolah pagi dulu.
Seronok zaman2 naik van tu. Tertinggal van lepas tu selamba pawer pi jalan kaki sendiri ke sekolah agama rakyat. Lejen betul aku waktu tu.

Sekolah menengah masuk MUC pulak.
Dan dalam-dalam maleh aku tu, ade jugak laa ilmu yang berkat hasil tarbiah khemah ibadah, usrah halaqah bagai...

Habeh sekolah, masuk IIU.
And that seals the deal.

Syukur ya Allah.
Walaupun aku bukan ustazah, tapi aku tahu semua yang sepatutnya aku tahu.

Kisah-kisah nabi.
Perbalahan antara mazhab.
Pendek kata, aku ni serba tahu gak la.
Walaupun bukan ustazah.

Tapi, nak bangga sangat pon toksey.

Pasal walaupun serba tahu, serba banyak juga dosanya.

Walau dah tahu salah, membuat jua.

Walaupun dah tahu rugi solat lewat, tak serik2 juga.

Itu belum masuk hal kawalan amarah dan tanggungjawab kepada suami dan anak-anak.

Perlu terus mencari ilmu.
Perlu terus belajar.

Sebab yang serba tahu pun malu nak mengaku.
Kau yang kononnya tahu pulak yang berlagak tak reti malu.

emo.sad.emo

Tidak hilang jantan lelaki, 

bila dia menunjuk sayang.

Lebih kacak seseorang lelaki, 

bila dia tersenyum peluk si anak girang.

 I envy this.

So much love.

So much affection.

Let's not talk about tomorrow. 

Let's not talk about the future.

Because as of now, as of today...

I love you. So much. 

You are everything in my life.

Terima kasih ya Allah :)

I love my babies

Watched a very disturbing video just now.

The so-called 'teacher' was spanking kids with wood and even kicked them behind.

You can see the kids squirming at one corner, and macam naik sawan he pulled them out and allahu- aku tak tahu kenapa aku sanggup habiskan video tu.

Ingatan untuk diri sendiri.

Yang selalu juga meroyan macam aku sorang je yang paling stress dalam dunia ni:

"Jangan sampai Allah tarik semula nikmat rezeki..."

They will not be kids forever.

They will not want to hug and share stories with you like they did now.

And when they don't, you'll want them to stay your babies forever.

But how? 

Times flies.

And you will die. Alone.

(T___T")

Betul kata kak Noe,  

"... salah aku la buat benda sebab nak penghargaan manusia."

Salah sendiri.

Sayang lah kita setinggi mana pun pada manusia, 

berkorbanlah sebanyak mana pun selagi termampu, 

kalau dah dia kata 'nak buat camna, Allah yang tentukan semuanya...' 

sakitnya... 

kita sendiri yang rasa.

Ada sedikit menyesal.

Sikit.

Takkan dah jadi baru nak sedar?

Takkan dah terkena baru nak cari Dia?

Berkasih sayang.

Kerana Allah.

Ihsan sesama manusia.

Kerana Allah.

Niatnya haruslah kerana Dia.

Sebab kita tak dapat apa-apa pun jika mengharap dari manusia.

Rabiah Al-Adawiyah jugak yang power!

“Ada dua macam kekasihku kepadamu, 

kasih untuk kebahagiaanmu dan kasih mutlak. 

Kasih kepadamu karena itu adalah hakmu.”

“Adapun kasih yang didorong oleh kerinduan, 

maka aku selalu sibuk menyebutmu, 

daripada menyebut selain engkau.”

“Tetapi kasih mutlak yang menjadi hakmu 

adalah engkau bukakan tabir untukku 

sehingga aku dapat melihatmu.”

“Maka tiada pujian lagi bagiku yang ini ataupun itu, 

tetapi pujian tetap milikmu segala puji kedua kasihku.”

“Mereka semuanya menyembahmu 

lantaran takut siksa neraka. 

Dan mereka berpendapat bahwa bebas dari siksa sebagai keberuntungan.”

“Atau mereka ingin masuk surga 

dan dapat menikmati maghligai-maghligainya 

serta minum arit telaga yang nikmat cita rasanya.”

“Namun bagiku surga dan neraka bukan persoalan, 

karena aku tidak ingin cintaku kepada Tuhan 

bertukar dengan yang lain.”

Makan dalam.

selepas seminggu...

everything seems fake.

seakan dibuat-buat.

tiada kata ikhlas.

tiada yang rasa sempurna.

seperti dulu.

sekarang,
pecah seribu.

Too much love.

Though I love watching romantic comedies, I am one who's too shy to be one.

And since I am not Lisa Surihani, I cannot expect him to be Remi.

It hard to not share stories him.
It gives me headaches!

Teaser

*excited*

I think I am over it now.

Buat apa ade purse mahal, tapi isi dalamnya tak seberapa.

Buat apa beli purse mahal, kalau duit dalam bank tu pun bukan banyak mana.

Buat apa guna kredit kad beli barang, kalau kita tahu kita boleh dapat sesuatu yang lagi murah and it serves its purpose without fail despite the price. Or its brand.

Bersyukurlah wahai hati...
kau masih mampu lagi berbelanja...
Ramai lagi yang tidak merasa...

Tapi salah ke kalau nak merasa yang mahal? 
Yang jenamanya terkenal?

Memang tak salah.

Dia jadi salah bila hal kecik macam tu pun kau jadikan besar.

Kau nak jadik macam Nik Aziz ka macam Rosmah??

sakitnya ku disini... kau tak rasa apa-apa

'Got'  myself an MC for the day.

So, manage to sneak some alone time with the husband. Since he had booked himself an appointment with the ENT.

The morning went well.

Arranged for a movie. 
So happy we managed to get VIP parking which is very rare.
Had simple breakfast yet very heart fulfilling.
Watched FF7.

Until...
that happened.
 
I am sure he did not realised what happened.

Maybe its just me being overly sensitive.

I don't know.

Being in my 30's did not make me any mature.

I think, the older you get... the more attention you need.

Are we in the marriage stage where pujuk-memujuk is no longer necessary?

And being romantic is a nuisance?

It is probably easy for guys to move pass something they felt ridiculous. While the ladies have the tendency to over-looking things.

But that's just me.

And by letting me loose, you unintentionally hurt me. Inside and out.

Forget it.
I'm on my period.

That's probably why I am all moody and stuff.

I just need you to help me choose a good, new purse for myself.

And that's the only time we have. Time to spend.
Without having to worry about the kids.

Just you and me.
And my future new purse.

And probably new lingerie as well.

pfft!

Mixed Feelings Episode 3

Previously, I was so excited with the idea of going to the kayaking exhibition.

It will be just like the good  'ol days.

Sibuk dok carik dry bag laa, dry pouch laa... and I'm sure the husband mesti muak asek dok beria cakap pasal kayak saja sampai dia tanya...

"Tak boleh bawak saya ke?"

Jeles ye? Saya suka!

Aaaaand when Bamer officially told me that I was not in the list, memang frust. Nanges waktu mandi jugak laa...

Kali ni, aku takde kepoh-kepoh. Takde canang kat orang kata nk pi expedisi bagai.

Except with the husband. And the kids.

Not even my mom.

Tapi kalau Tuhan kata 'Tidak', maka tidaklah jawabnya...

So, I have been thinking...

Pasaipa I was so emotional about kayaking?

Is it because I really like it? I am passionate about it?

Or its just because I wanna re-live some part of my life when I was younger??

Cause if kayaking really is a BIG part of my life... why the hiatus?

Why didn't  I kayak a lot? I live very near to a lot of paid kayaking facilities.
I even have access to kayak at my workplace.

But, I didn't utilize it.

Compared to Bamer, despite having to work and juggle family time, he makes the effort to do maraton, heck he is even a part-time kayaking trainer at my alma mater.
.
.
.
.
I miss those times.

I believed I was my best when I join kayaking.

I didn't know I had it in me.

I was even the university's MASUM '06 kayaking athlete, man!

The fact that I was listed and competed was really among the best moments in my life.
.
.
.
.
But I guess that was me 11kg ago.

Yesterday, I sent of 6 of my students from our Kayak Club to the Kayak Star 1 workshop.

I am happy, because I am glad many of them had the interest.

I am sad, cause as Club Advisor, I am only a big talker without any legit qualification.


Till next time.
I'm off cleaning poop.
That's my life now.

After 6 months...

... I gained extra 3kg.

(--")

Mixed Feelings Episode 2

Contacted Bamer as promised.

"Alamak! Lupa la Yada! Sekarang dah penuh pulak..."

"Takpalaa... xdak rezeki kot. Nanti Ada btau Yina..."

"Eh, tapi nama Yina ada..."

Pulak.

Was moody the whole day.

(--")