11 years.

I love you husband.
So much.

I may not good at showing it. Or even saying it out loud.
But I really, really love you.
So much.

Allah is so kind to me.
You are the one gift that is not for sharing!

Thank you for accepting me as me.
For always putting me first.
For always considering me in all your decision making.

I love you.
So much.
My darling. My baby.

My handsome man baby :*

Proud.

My sister got into CFS IIUM! *yay*

If only she knew how blessed she was.
I know that being the youngest is not always easy. But the perks of it was quite many.

Thank you Allah, for the continuous blessing upon my family.
Semoga kami semua tidak lupa diri.

Getting my hands on T-oujours K-ids Fruit & Vegetable blend.
Insyaallah!

The day I took the first pill, I got serious headache. Got very tired. Felt like doing nothing. Nak baringgggg je.

Read somewhere online. Rupanya I'm experincing some of its side effects. Tapi doc kate takde side effect langsung? Ntah la. Lain orang lain pengalaman.

But, yeah. I noticed that I'm calmer.

I still get angry though. Cuma it didn't get to my head. The anger somehow being compressed and instead of yelling, I just raised my voice a bit and then stopped talking.

Wow. Never knew I can do that. Because for sometime now, kalau aku marah2, it will always get messy where I'll end up feeling guilty of all the nasty words came up from this monster mummy.

And it is always the kids who will have to endure it. Kasihan depa.
Ibu minta maaf sayang :(

Prozac 101

Made it to the psychiatrist.
I thought the doctor would make me lie on my back and ask me questions and let me cry and all.
Nothing like that at all.

She scolded me some more adelah *hahaha*

Asked me about my salary. And scolded me for still working with the company that didn't appreciate me financially.

I told her that life is not all about money. It's more than that.

And she scolded me back again. Saying that everything needs money. And I'll feel much better if I have more money to spend on myself.

Tough love this one.

She sent for the hubs and the kids. Wanted to ask them about me I guess.

"You selalu main hp ka? Jangan la main hp, tolong isteri you buat kerja rumah..."
"Mama selalu marah-marah ka kat rumah? Doktor kasi mama ubat, kasi you tak kena marah lagi mau ka??"

Sungguh ka dia ni doktor ni??

Ching!

Finally! 

Had the chance to have a one-on-one date with le hubsbaby! 

Coincidently on the V-day, OK? 

*hashtagdoneclaim*

I was usually the one who plans, and he’s the one paying hiks.

But this time, I don’t really feel like it. 

No jitters. No happy-romantic mood or the like. 

I expected nothing. 

Entah why. Rasa macam rugitakgunacutisebabcutidahlulustapibanyakkejenakbuattapikejemanapernahabesbilalaginakdatingtpbukanadeduitpunnaksplurgeondatesntahlaaaaaaaaaaaa

Mungkin sebab dah lama sangat pending nak dating, when the time actually fits, I felt just OK. 

I got afraid of planning.

Because when I plan something nice, something will come up and ruins it. 

He gotta work. Umar warded. Cuti abes jaga Umar warded. Cannot cuti because too much work pending attending to the baby. Money wasted on eating out cause mommy’s too tired stressed to use the kitchen. I could go on and on and on and on...

.

.

.

Registered for a seminar last weekend. 

At first, I registered for the course mainly because it is on a Saturday and it was held near BBB. 

So many plans in my head: shopping, food hunting, and the likes.

My colleagues who went to the same program looked at me weirdly and asked, 

“Kenapa taknak balik terus? Tak rindu anak ke?”

I answered, “Waktu aku keluar rumah tadi pagi pun, sorang pun tak keluar babai ibu depa... pakat melekat dengan abah saja, kau rasa?!”

.

.

It’s not that I don’t miss them, I do! 

But I just want to do something for me. Go somewhere that I want fo be without having to think about anyone else. I just want go be bothered about my own stuff, my own needs. 

.

.

Initially, I enjoyed the date. But I knew it’ll be a better date if the kids are around. Then I’ll complain again saying I want my me-time blablabla 

Story of my current life. 

Normally, it did not hurt this much.

Ibu yang terbersalah.

“Korang dah try bagi xxx? Cuba lah, orang kata bagus...”

“Engkorang bagi dia makan apa ni? Ade benda yang  dia tak boleh makan ni...”

“Dah cuba rawatan xxx?”

“Sikit-sikit masuk hospital. Suke sangat duduk sana ye?”

“Tak cuba hospital xxx? Hospital xxx tu bukan elok sangat...”

“Xyah la hantar dia ke taska laa. Hantar je rumah orang, xde masuk hospital selalu...”

“Ape laa yang ko makan time pregnant dia dulu? Tulaa makan tak jaga...”

Ye. 

Semua salah aku. 

Aku yang buat anak aku jadi macamni.

Aku yang mintak. Aku yang mencari. 

Amacam? 

Dah puas hati? 

Silver lining? Why silver? Why can't it be yellow?

Someone took my sandals today.
Right after Maghrib prayer.

When I realised that it was lost, I was not that shocked.
Do not know why.

Maybe it has to do with something that I have said last time.
About wanting to lose my slippers and have the reason to buy a new one?

But, the one that was lost today was not a slipper.
It was my fave sandals!
.
.
The good thing is: I have a reason to scout/buy a new one! *yay*
The problem is: I do not really have the money/time at the moment. *sad*

I can't bring the whole team with me because:

1) It will be a lost of their time having to wait and jumping in-and-out of shops just so I could find something that I like and has good pricing as well! 

2) I will easily lost my patience and my appetite to shop when they make faces and grumps for having to wait for me finish shopping!

I have issues. I know.
But I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Solution?
- will do the shopping part alone
- need to go see someone about me and my anger management issues.
But I doubt it. I don't think I'll do that. Cause I do not have the time!

Happy New Year

“Umar dah setahun lebih ye? Dah ‘langkah longkang’ kan? Orang tua-tua percaya, kata kalau budak boleh langkah longkang maknanya dah beso la tu, dah takde sakit-sakit dah insyaallah...”

Checking in at exactly 2 days after the above conversation.
Talked too soon.