Kena tinggal lagi.

And now, dia dapat pegi China pulak.
OK fine, kena pegi China. Work trip.
Lucky him.

I can do this. I have to do this.

*googling overseas conferences to attend*

Awak suka saya tak? *wink*

Kemarin,
Kari Ikan Tenggiri. Sedap.

Semalam,
Ikan Singgang Tenggiri. Sedap jugak.

Hari ni,
Sup Daging with white noodle.

Amboi. Sakan nampak?
Itu pun sebab Umar layan tidoq and barang semua ada dirumah hehe

I'm kinda enjoying this role of staying-at-home mom.

OK, nak layan Iman jap. Bai!

Post Delivery Emo Entry 2

Day 32.

I went all raged towards the hubs just now.
OK. Takdelah marah sangat. Or is it?
The thing is, I'm not sure whether is it really him or I was actually angry with myself.

Both, I guess.

When I knew that I was pregnant, I was not at all happy nor am I sad.
Mixed feelings felt inside.

Yelah. It has been 6 six years. Both Sarah Hannan are all grown up. Dah senang dibela. Dah seronok dibuat kawan. Tidur nyenyak. Makan kenyang. Jalan selesa.

Tuptap mengandung balik. Morning sickness balik. Tapi kali ni lain macam pembawakannya.

Makan tak lalu. Tapi lapar.
Badan penat. Gassy tak tentu masa, tak tentu pasal.

And when its finally time to deliver, sakit contraction sakit operation ya ampunnnn!
Ni even though a month after, perut ni still sakit rasa lebam didalam. Ntah sembuh ke idak dalam tuhan jelaa yang tahu.

Tapi, dalam-dalam aku belum sihat, masih dalam pantang, bulih lagi nak pi masuk lari laa, nak jogging la sebab tak lama lagi nak lari 21km...

Aku dah pesan lama dari sebelum beranak, that I need him to be with me, so no marathon running whatsoever before delivery until after confinement.

Ni dak, waktu 9 months pun ade lagi join lari. Takpe, alhamdulillah masih kuat dan takde beranak waktu dia join lari tu.

Ni pulak, right after my confinement, ade masuk HSN. So, kena laa prepare fizikal nak kena keluar jogging petang or whenever he can.

Masalah kat sini, aku tak habes pantang lagi. Memang laa nampak kuat dah bulih buat semua kerja-kerja rumah sendiri. Tapi, I need him. Physically and mentally there for me.

Kadang, rase macam aku pulak yang salah. Tak bagi dia keluar. Tak bagi dia jogging atau buat aktiviti dia macam biasa. Bukan dia yang pantang. Buat apa dia yang kena duduk merap kat rumah kan??

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I think I need to find something to indulge in after this. After confinement. After I'm healthy and fit enough.

Focusing too much on work and family is stressing me.

Amboi. Macam la ko tu perfect housewife sangat pfft!

That's not the point.

If the hubs has his maraton thingy, I would want to try and get back to my kayaking activities.
Contoh laa, contohhhh.

Habis, siapa nak jaga Umar?
Haih, bapak dia kan ada?

Reti ke bapak dia nak jaga?
Haih, bukan anak orang lain. Anak dia jugak kan?

This is not me trying to get back at him. OK, mungkin laa ade sikit.

But, I believe treating myself well will benefit the family as well.
Happy wife/mother will leads to happy life, kan?

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I love my husband and the kids. So much.
However, I need to love myself too. 

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This feeling might disperse once I'm back to work.
Almaklumlah, orang dah biasa koje. Tuptap kena dok ghomah ngadap anak saje.
Quite a turnover. Hormonal imbalance.

Blame it on everything but myself is easier, kan?
Hmmm.

Or probably I'm just hungry.
Yes, that might be it.

Post Delivery Emo Entry 1

At times,
I felt so helpless.

Like now. During my confinement period.

Dah la ibu takde, tak balik laei dari hajj. Adik-adik pula busy, weekend baru masing-masing dapat balik and hands-on with the baby.

And not long after week 2 of confinement, dah ikut the husband and kids balik rumah. Since kalau stay pun takde sape dapat jaga. And my mom, even though will be coming back soon, is not in good health coughing and all-- takkan nak susahkan ibu pulak kan?

Sedih sungguh rasanya dihati.
Macam takde sape yang sayang. Macam dah takde yang amek peduli. Sobs.

Sungguh tak bersyukur aku ni.

The hubs spent 10k for Umar's delivery. Just so that a female doc could attend to me. And we have a private room so that the whole family could stay with me in the ward. He even paid for a confinement lady service--- sehari 125 tau?

He also applied for a 2-weeks leave--- just to make sure I'm well taken care of.

Kau nak meghoyan apa lagi pompuan??

Tapi yelah. Dah nama pun pompuan. Baru lepas beranak pulak tu. Hormon hilang kestabilan. Pulak perangai manja ya ampun kata rockers poyo je lebih huhu

Aku tak bulih dah nak compare dengan waktu berpantang Sarah Hannan dulu.

Itu rejeki awal dulu. Ibu dapat jaga bersungguh. Ade bibik laei bulih belekkan si anak sampai pinjam bawak balik la haa.

Sekarang, ujiannya berbeza untuk anak nombe tiga.

Allah uji sebab Dia tahu kami mampu. Dia tahu aku mampu. Dia tahu kami lebih kuat dari dahulu.

Semoga Allah teruskan limpahan rezeki sehat dan kuat padaku, supaya dapat aku jaga keluarga kecilku ini ameeen!

My 2rd Delivery Experience

It was 7:30 am when I first experience the consistent contractions.
Waktu tu tengah sidai kain. The kids and hubs baru je berlepas keluar dari rumah ke sekolah/tempat kerja. Sakit datang on/off, aku abaikan lagi since kadang-kadang memang ade rase sakit-sakit ngilu gitu sebelum ni.

Until 8 am, baru aku call the hubs and told him about the pain.

"So, kita nak kena pergi hospital dah ke?" he asked. 

He was still at the girls' school. Not yet at the office. But I said,

"Takyah lagi kot. Tunggu sikit lagi..."

When it's 8:30 am, I sensed something was wrong. Swap my vagy with a tissue, spotted a red blood spot on it. And so everything became so real from that time onwards.

Called husband to come back home. And in the meantime, I bathed-ate-clean around the house while the contractions was every 5 minutes. I even packed myself biscuits and apples-- just in case I'm hungry while waiting for labour. Pengalaman lalu mengajar ku, having a full stomach is important to make sure I have enough energy to push later.

Arrived at the hospital around 10:30 am. Still relaxed yet gripping on anything near when the contractions became more and more painful every 2-3 minutes. The midwife confirmed my contractions and I had dilated around 5 cm. 

Even so, they had this worried face on them. Something about "... saya dah check bukaan dia doktor, tapi takde rasa kepala."

Ah sudah. Anak aku patah balik pusing tak jadik nak keluar ke??

Dr Yang came at 11:45 am to confirm the nurses' worries. After she introduces herself, she, without hesitation, came forward and pushed me on the inside until my water broke. It turned out baby dah berak and his heart beat has gotten non-reactive so off I went for a c-sect.

It was quite hectic. Nurses pushing me in the bed-trolley, getting me to switch-slide onto the operation bed, the doctor yelled at the nurses for being inconsiderate while handling me (thank you Dr!)

I can't remember much about the surgery, cuma in the middle of the operation I felt someone holding my hand and I assume its my husband because I can't really tell with the drugs and all hahaha

Cuma what concerned me was, when husband told me that the doctor actually pull out my rahim and put on my stomach (to locate the fibroid) and actually put it back in woahhhh I think that's why my it felt so bad down there despite me having the experience of c-sect before.

Sebelum ni, I did have this guilty feeling of wanting to opt for a c-sect instead of a normal vaginal delivery. But now, after this gruesome experience, I don't even want to experience pregnancy again. Sakit lah! ;"(