Post Delivery Emo Entry 2

Day 32.

I went all raged towards the hubs just now.
OK. Takdelah marah sangat. Or is it?
The thing is, I'm not sure whether is it really him or I was actually angry with myself.

Both, I guess.

When I knew that I was pregnant, I was not at all happy nor am I sad.
Mixed feelings felt inside.

Yelah. It has been 6 six years. Both Sarah Hannan are all grown up. Dah senang dibela. Dah seronok dibuat kawan. Tidur nyenyak. Makan kenyang. Jalan selesa.

Tuptap mengandung balik. Morning sickness balik. Tapi kali ni lain macam pembawakannya.

Makan tak lalu. Tapi lapar.
Badan penat. Gassy tak tentu masa, tak tentu pasal.

And when its finally time to deliver, sakit contraction sakit operation ya ampunnnn!
Ni even though a month after, perut ni still sakit rasa lebam didalam. Ntah sembuh ke idak dalam tuhan jelaa yang tahu.

Tapi, dalam-dalam aku belum sihat, masih dalam pantang, bulih lagi nak pi masuk lari laa, nak jogging la sebab tak lama lagi nak lari 21km...

Aku dah pesan lama dari sebelum beranak, that I need him to be with me, so no marathon running whatsoever before delivery until after confinement.

Ni dak, waktu 9 months pun ade lagi join lari. Takpe, alhamdulillah masih kuat dan takde beranak waktu dia join lari tu.

Ni pulak, right after my confinement, ade masuk HSN. So, kena laa prepare fizikal nak kena keluar jogging petang or whenever he can.

Masalah kat sini, aku tak habes pantang lagi. Memang laa nampak kuat dah bulih buat semua kerja-kerja rumah sendiri. Tapi, I need him. Physically and mentally there for me.

Kadang, rase macam aku pulak yang salah. Tak bagi dia keluar. Tak bagi dia jogging atau buat aktiviti dia macam biasa. Bukan dia yang pantang. Buat apa dia yang kena duduk merap kat rumah kan??

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I need to find something to indulge in after this. After confinement. After I'm healthy and fit enough.

Focusing too much on work and family is stressing me.

Amboi. Macam la ko tu perfect housewife sangat pfft!

That's not the point.

If the hubs has his maraton thingy, I would want to try and get back to my kayaking activities.
Contoh laa, contohhhh.

Habis, siapa nak jaga Umar?
Haih, bapak dia kan ada?

Reti ke bapak dia nak jaga?
Haih, bukan anak orang lain. Anak dia jugak kan?

This is not me trying to get back at him. OK, mungkin laa ade sikit.

But, I believe treating myself well will benefit the family as well.
Happy wife/mother will leads to happy life, kan?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love my husband and the kids. So much.
However, I need to love myself too. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This feeling might disperse once I'm back to work.
Almaklumlah, orang dah biasa koje. Tuptap kena dok ghomah ngadap anak saje.
Quite a turnover. Hormonal imbalance.

Blame it on everything but myself is easier, kan?
Hmmm.

Or probably I'm just hungry.
Yes, that might be it.