Pend*sa

Lately, I’ve been doing something that I should not have done without remorse. Perhaps it’s because I know that that no one will judge me. So I keep repeating them without guilty.

I know it’s wrong. I know I should not done it. But still, I did it. 

Despite being bad, Allah never leaves me alone. He always giving. He always deliver. 

Maybe I should reward myself. 

If I’m able to not do it for 5 days straight, I should buy myself a cake. 

If I perform for the full month, I should reward myself even more.

Mengade kan? Sendiri buat salah, tak malu langsung smp nak bagi hadiah kt diri sndri laa ape laa. 

Maaf tuhan. Aku pendosa yang selalu lupa. 

Gediks.

 A small part of me wanted to be liked by everyone. Wanted to always be love. To be supported. To always be agreed with. 

But I know that it is impossible.

Because I myself did not like everyone.

At times, I'll be jealous knowing that I'm not considered important in the group. But then again, I did not return the same energy to the them. I'm happy being a loner. I like being unnoticed.

Tapi yelah, datang time mengada mintak dimanja begitulahhhhhhhhh 

Mak tak cehat. Sobs.

I've been sick for since last week. Coughing with mild fever. Sore throat and body fatigue. Been to the clinic twice. And had been recovering after taking the antibiotic. And the major thing is: I've been feeling gassy and bloated non stop!

Makan dah makan. Kenyang dah kenyang. Tapi bahu lenguh-lenguh minta di urut. Lepas urut baru lega dapat sedawa. Masalahnya sampai bila nak kena urut ni sebab angin tak berhenti-henti *cry*

Laki pulak cepat penat bila mintak tolong urut. Nak beli kerusi urut taktau bila. Bila badan sakit, nak tido pun tak tenang asek nak minta urut dan sedawa. Bila susah tido, kepala sakit. Bila kepala sakit, dah tak boleh nak pikir dan buat keputusan dengan baik. Semua benda kat rumah tu pulak semua ibu jugak yang nak kena pikir. Bila ibu naik suara sebab sakit kepala kena pikir benda simple, ibu jugak yang kena marah balik. 

Ini baru nak masuk 40 tau, udah tak larat deme nak layan sakit penat kita. Ibu cedey. *sobs* 

So, nak taknak, kena chin up. And remind myself that I am responsible for my own self. I am responsible for my own health. My own body. My own happiness. 

I need to be more serious in taking care of myself. Sebab memang at the end of the day, we only have ourselves to blame kalau diri sendiri tak sehat.

I knew that. But at times I still make bad choices. For I am only human. And as human, I am bound to make mistakes.

But as a human who is already reaching her 40s, I need to know my boundaries. Yes, money is important. But taking care of myself must be made a priority.

Karang Allah tarik nikmat sehat baru ang tau! Nauzubillah!