To lie or not to lie

Met my fellow uni mates and seniors at one academic training back at my alma mater.

Everyone was busy chatting up, filling in each other with latest news and gossips.

And then, kak F turned and ask,

"You dah buat Masters kan? Bila nak buat PhD??"

*PhDpadiaMasterspuntakpernahregister*

*gilamaluahnakngakudepasemuadahadeMasters*

*akujeyanggilekojelecturertapitakdeMasters*

*bukansalahakukampeniyangtakbagibuat*

*ehsedapjekausalahkanorang*

*pffft*

In the flash, I replied,

"Aah, tapi dah lama extend ni. Sebab beranak ituhari. Ni pon taktau nak sambung balik ke idak sebab macam dah malas huhu..."

Fuhh... lepas satu bala. So I thought. 

"Awak buat kat mana ituhari?"

Ya Allah dia bulih tanya lagik ape aku nak goreng lagi ni?!

"Ermm, buat kat Open Uni kat Somban tu je. Dekat sikit. Tapi mahal laa..."

Omaigad!
Boleh pulak aku terus menipu lagi?

I don't want to be good at lying.

But I don't want to look bad around them either.

And I don't want them to make that look to me too! 

The look. That look that says...

"Eyeww, tengok dia tu kata pensyarah tapi Masters pun takde perasan je..."

"Kalau takde Masters, mana bulih mengaku pensyarah. Awak level tutors je laa..."

"Kenapa tak sambung Masters? Buat laa weekends. Jangan beralasan..."

(- - ")

I knew that Kak F will never look me that way. None of them will.

It was me. Who looked down on myself.

Even after working as an educator for 10 solid years, I still did not see myself as a 'Lecturer'.

Dengan takde Masters-nya.

Dengan gaji ciputnya.

Dengan takde increment almost 5 years now. 

Tu tak kira lagi dengan heavy workloads and on-the-spot assignments/filings.

I enjoy teaching. I do.

I just don't enjoy working with management that only demands sacrifices on our part but not really on theirs.

Tapi, yelahkan... dah nama pun makan gaji.
What are you really expecting?