ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STRESS!

Don’t get me wrong, I love it when my parents came to visit.
I get to spend lotsa quality time with my mom.
And she can look after Umar so I can get some things done.

However, I also (at times) get very crazy when they are here with us *urghhh*

Like, for example:

My mom just can’t sit still. She’ll be rummaging my room, looking for kain to lipat, baju to repair, carpet to vaccum. And just this evening, she’s making herself busy trimming my lawn.

Not that I’m not thankful but at her age, I just need her to relax and play with her grandson. I can take care of the rest. “I got this, ibu...”.

And knowing that she’ll be tired and all, makes me stressful!
Like nak-marah-semua-orang-punya-stressful!

And there’s my dad.
My I’m-hungry-bila-nak-masak-macam-mana-nak-makan-kalau-tak-hidang kinda dad.
(-_-“)

At his age now, he can get very selfish.

For example:
My baby is asleep, and he’s happily increased the volume of the TV.

Another example was this evening, when everyone (and I mean everyone including Umar the baby) was out tending to the lawn, he so happily watching Netflix and even has the guts to “Eh, takde minum petang ke?”

Ko ghase?

And there’s the blocked sink. It messes the kitchen. And I got cranky when things got messy and nothing was done to make it better. And they keep using the sink despite me telling them to go wash their hands in the washroom (there’s also usable sink there).

And oh! Did I mentioned that I need to have to present my slides tomorrow in front of the president. And I havent finished the slides due to bad WIFI at the hospital?

Umar was warded the whole of last week. We just got discharged yesterday’s evening. And that’s another story for another time.

And before maghrib I was making muka sebab penat tapi nak kena masak sebab takkan-nak-mintak-ibu-yang-penat-tu-masak-jugak dan tetiba my dad asked bila nak siap masak ni?!

Cepatttt je rasa macam nak beli makan kat luar, but due to my recent discussion with the husband: money is something that we need to control from now onwards. So, no to eating out.

Tetiba, the husband got fedup and and stormed out of the house looking for things to repair the sink alone. Or I assumed.

Now, Umar is asleep and my dad got so hyped with ntah cerita apa dia tengok and turn on the volume some more.

So, you see... I have so much to do. But I use the time to complain instead.

Whose to blame now??

********************

Semua orang penat.
My mom penat tolong kemas rumah anak dia yang tak terjaga, sebab kesian sibuk jaga anak kecik.
My sister pun penat, sebab asyik kena suruh sini sana mentang2 laaa dia kecik lagi baru lepas SPM semua.
My husband lagi penat, sebab dia taknak buat semua yang dia kena buat harini sebab dia nak rehat penat jaga anak masuk hospital ituhari tapi kalau tak buat bini marah-marah.

Kau cakap bapak kau selfish?
Kau pun sama!

I miss yous

A sent me a picture yesterday.

Of her with Ems and Addy.
Oh how I miss those two!

But, I know my place.
Which is no longer with 'em.

I've been unfriended.
And even after a long message, I'm still unfriended.

Takkan tak paham bahasa lagi kan, wahai makyong?

Takpelah... janji korang sihat dan bahagia selalu :)

*Very the drama. I know.
But, life is nothing but drama. No?

The plan.

Every year, on my birthday, I will take an AL and spend the day to myself.

This year, I plan to spend the day watching movies, stuffing myself with snacks and ice-creams and carbonated drinks.

Well, one can only plan.

I got sick the week before.
So, I took a 2-days AL just to stay in, healthy-ing myself.
And this affected my day job. It delayed my marking process.

So, on the day when I was supposed to be on leave, I didn't.
I stayed back and finished marking.
And I did finished.
So, good job to me!

But, I didn't get to spend the 'me-time' that I've planned since forever.

Being an adult sucks!

Happy 34th, women! Plan better next year!

To lie or not to lie

Met my fellow uni mates and seniors at one academic training back at my alma mater.

Everyone was busy chatting up, filling in each other with latest news and gossips.

And then, kak F turned and ask,

"You dah buat Masters kan? Bila nak buat PhD??"

*PhDpadiaMasterspuntakpernahregister*

*gilamaluahnakngakudepasemuadahadeMasters*

*akujeyanggilekojelecturertapitakdeMasters*

*bukansalahakukampeniyangtakbagibuat*

*ehsedapjekausalahkanorang*

*pffft*

In the flash, I replied,

"Aah, tapi dah lama extend ni. Sebab beranak ituhari. Ni pon taktau nak sambung balik ke idak sebab macam dah malas huhu..."

Fuhh... lepas satu bala. So I thought. 

"Awak buat kat mana ituhari?"

Ya Allah dia bulih tanya lagik ape aku nak goreng lagi ni?!

"Ermm, buat kat Open Uni kat Somban tu je. Dekat sikit. Tapi mahal laa..."

Omaigad!
Boleh pulak aku terus menipu lagi?

I don't want to be good at lying.

But I don't want to look bad around them either.

And I don't want them to make that look to me too! 

The look. That look that says...

"Eyeww, tengok dia tu kata pensyarah tapi Masters pun takde perasan je..."

"Kalau takde Masters, mana bulih mengaku pensyarah. Awak level tutors je laa..."

"Kenapa tak sambung Masters? Buat laa weekends. Jangan beralasan..."

(- - ")

I knew that Kak F will never look me that way. None of them will.

It was me. Who looked down on myself.

Even after working as an educator for 10 solid years, I still did not see myself as a 'Lecturer'.

Dengan takde Masters-nya.

Dengan gaji ciputnya.

Dengan takde increment almost 5 years now. 

Tu tak kira lagi dengan heavy workloads and on-the-spot assignments/filings.

I enjoy teaching. I do.

I just don't enjoy working with management that only demands sacrifices on our part but not really on theirs.

Tapi, yelahkan... dah nama pun makan gaji.
What are you really expecting?

Such is life.

Just got my salary on the 31st.

Today,
my current balance: RM100.

I can do this.
We can do this.

What do you think?

Very wrong

I've been dreading for a holiday since my last confinement break.

"Nak gi holiday, nak tenangkan fikiran dan hati..."

"Nak gi holiday, nak berehat dan chill dengan family..."

So, last Saturday we went for an ad-hock trip. 

Beach resort in the middle of the city.

Everything went well at first.

We ate. We laugh.
In short, I let loose.

Sampailah the time when we check-in & getting ready for a dip in the pool.

Aku tak puas hati bila depa (the hubs & my daughters) had fun without me.
Aku tak puas hati bila depa boleh gelak-gelak, happy-happy seronok main air without me.
Aku tak puas hati bila depa seronok enjoying the holiday while I have to sit back and watch out for my lil baby.

I love my baby. I do. I really do.
I enjoy spending time with him, since kalau weekdays he'll be with at the nursery and clings to his daddy like a baby koala.

Cumanya, as I said.
Aku tak puas hati. Or is it something else?

I don't know.

I burst out easily when I'm tired.
I shouted at my kids and husband when the house is a mess.

I know I think too much. Especially on things that has not happen yet.

I just can't help it.

Kalau rumah tak vakum, nanti rambut dan habuk teruk berselerak atas lantai.
Bila tak vakum, habuk dan rambut pun bersepah bertambah.
Lepas tu, anak-anak mula tak sihat.
Demam. Selsema. Batuk.

Memang la sama-sama jaga.
Tapi yang berat kepala, aku juga.

Dah penat jaga depa, kena kemas rumah jugak. Kena lipat kain jugak.

Kalau rumah kotor, bila nak sehat?
Macamana anak-anak nak kuat?

Belum masuk cerita kisah seram mencari kutu depa.
Dan basuh tangan baju sekolah yang ada kotoran susah tanggal hurmmm

Aku memang tak kuat.
Mungkin dengan marah-marah, I'm letting go of the steam a bit.

But,
The steam is not good for the family.
Not good for the husband.
Not good for me.

Settle

One of my daily morning routine, is watching YouTube videos while having my breakfast. A habit I picked up since uni years, had meals in front of the computer is one of the ways to utilize my 'me time' during working hours.

Came across this JinnyBoy's video featuring Elizabeth Tan.

Before this, I never see myself teaching. Tutoring and helping out, yes. But teaching and marking papers per-say is a BIG NO.

Probably because I know that I'm not that smart. And not that holy-some to be teaching other people. 

So, how can the mother crab teaches her babies to walk straight??

Fast forward, I've been teaching for 10 years now. 

I learned a lot. I revise and study again all the components especially Grammar parts before coming to class. I read more. I practice constantly. And I learn from my mistakes. I can see that I'm improving. And better through years. 

And I must say, after all these, I do not know what else I can do other than teaching.

I don't hate it. But I am not really 100% passionate about it.

But I do need the money.

So, am I settling down for good?

Are there still chances for me to try others?

What is it that I wanted to do actually?

In my 30s and still thinking about it?

Ape yang kau nak sebenarnya ni?!

Robek

Husband smiled and hugged me from behind.

"Kenapa ni?" tanya aku.

"Rindu..." jawab dia.

I know. 

I miss myself too.

Rezeki

Mula-mula macam ragu-ragu.

"Cukup tak duit aku nanti?"

 Alhamdulillah, Allah cukupkan juga.

Setelah 10 tahun bekerja.

Ini yang kali pertama. Dengan usaha sendiri.

Semoga berkat. Semoga diberi rahmat.

Semoga diberi peluang untuk tahun yang mendatang.

Dengan izin-Nya.

Ameeen!

Lucky No 7

A friend posted this picture on her timeline, asking everyone to pick  2 from the pills available.

I only choose 1 pill. And I chose pill no 7.

And it got everyone's attention,

"Kenapa taknak amek pil no 8?"

"Kenapa taknak amek no 4?"

"Tahu tak yang banyak duit tapi tak bahagia, tetap tak kemana??"

I simply chose no 7, because I believe I can do a lot (and have a lot of things for me and my family) if I chose pill no 7.

And suddenly I realised that, the decision to pick pill no 7 was not due to me being greedy. 

But it was the other way around! 

I realised that, 

1- I already looked younger that my age (still not gonna tell you my age LOL)

2- Why do I need to read people's mind? Carik masalah saje pfft!

3- My ex(es) *ehem* are parts of who I am know. So, not gonna need that. Next!

4- Yes, still not in my before-pregnancy weight but still OK ;)

5- Dah takde harapan. Case closed. Next!

6- No, I don't want to be super kuat. Super healthy and fit PLEASE?

7- KACHINGGGGGGGG! 

8- Alhamdulillah... :)

9- Takde keperluan. 

So yeah, if I have more money that what I already have now, I believe I can reach out to many others who needs help in any ways. 

Though money cannot buy some things, it sure can help ease  the burden of someone else...

Beria explain. Kuiz bodo je pon. 

Verangan macam dapat pil kaya sungguh pfft!

I wish!

Azam bulan baru *ehem*

Masalahnya tadi saya dah makan 5 biji kukis:

1 kukis = 503 kal
503 kal x 5 = 2515 kal

And I am supposed to only eat 1358 kal if I wanted to maintain my current weight.
How laaa like this?!

*facepalm*

VIPs

It has come to my attention, that the tiredness and sore-back that both me and husband have been experiencing was due to a non-stop, back-to-back every weekend programs since Aidilfitri holiday fuh!

And, Aidiladha is just around the corner again myGod!

Do not get us wrong, we love the holidays!
But, we miss lazying around the house, potato-couching, binge watching and attending to the needs around the house.

Last week, school gathering at Cheras.
This week, back to Ipoh.

Hoping that next week will be a relax on for us.
Ameeen!

And everyone in the best of health, double ameeeen!

Post Raya Gathering 2018

After much planning, akhirnya menjadi jugak gathering 2018. *fuh*

Penat sey! Aku kalau ikutkan memang dah lama pencen, dah takde daya nak jadik organiser lagi. Tapi bile ko dapat kawan yang memasing semua perasan macam depa saja yang sibuk, you ended up doing it on your own. Mujur masih ada yang hands-on, so takde la meroyan sorang.

So, as requested by some, kami jadik jugak buat mini tahlil @ doa selamat untuk Ustaz Wan dan Ustazah Wan Halimatun. 

 The prayer was lead by yours truly, my very own Imam Muda Mu'az hehe

I purposely do the mermaid pose for a more dramatic result

#inailedit

#ilooktaller

#orlonger

#iwin

I'm glad that the girls had fun. 

Weekend well spent!

But OHMYGOD penatnyelahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ten Ten Tennnnnnnnnnn *insert dramatic drumroll*

 

Us. 

10 years back.

10 kg lighter.

And, still looking forward to forever. 

Thank you Allah for this wonderful blessing in a form of a husband. 

May we be blessed in this life and in the hereafter.

Ameeeeen!

KSS - Kurang Kasih Sayang

 

I thought I was the special one. 

Rupanya ada 2 lecturer lain pun dia buat benda yang sama juga. 

Copy paste ayat yang sama jugak tu *hahahahahahahahaha* 

Semoga baik-baik sahajalah semuanya ameeen!

2nd time.

A mother's instinct is never wrong! 

But this time, doktor tak rekomen untuk Umar di-warded. Sebab dia looks very active and energise, despite bacaan kuman dalam darah went up to 19! 

Alhamdulillah, 

Sebab tak warded so boleh masuk kerja-balik kampung-berehat comfortably at home.

Alhamdulillah,

Umar tak susah makan ubat so insyaallah he'll be better in no time ameeen!

Tapi mashaallahhhhhhhhhh...

Dia bulih nangeh non-stop dari Somban sampai PD!

Elok masuk taman, pandei pulak dia sengap hai la anak!

Semoga berterusanlah dikurniakan Tuah dan Sehat selalu ameeen!

Sejuk.

Husband bought back few durians and rambutans for the family :)

Lepas siap masak dinner, terus duduk bersila kopek rambutan masuk bekas nak simpan dalam peti.

Dulu, bila ibu kopek rambutan simpan dalam peti, tak dan sehari terus abes. Manja memasing. Kalau tak berkopek rambutan tu, sampai ke sudah tak ber-usik buah tu biorrrr aje berlonggok tepi sudut huhu

Dulu, bila ibu mintak tolong kopekkan kulit rambutan, memang maleh sungguh nak buat. Sapa nak makan, dia la kopek sendiri kan?

Bila sendiri dah jadi ibu ni, automatik datang rasa nak kopekkan untuk anak dan suami. Sebab tahu sedap makan buah rambutan yang sejuk peti. Seronok tengok anak dan suami senang bukak peti terus sauk makan sendiri.

Itulah kasih seorang ibu. 

Ikhlas. Ade la sikit berkira tu. 

Ye, post ni untuk up diri aku sendiri.  

Sekian.

Cycle.

My second-born is very different from my first.
Even their teachers said the same thing!

Although we do acknowledge their differences, she at times can be quite a handful! Emotionally!

Tak boleh orang silap cakap sikit. Tak boleh orang naik suara sikit.
Walaupun originally it was her who caused the commotion at the first place.

Her usual respond after being 'hurt' will always be - hentak kaki, tarik muka, nanges tak tentu pasal, kunci diri dalam bilik, tarik muka, and  many others.

Penat tau?
Dan haruslah aku takde daya dan kuasa nak melayan.

Thank God for the husband. Dialah yang akan jadi tukang pujuk-layan-tanya and settle it down. Walaupun kadangkala memang dia pun maleh nak pujuk dibiorkan aje kasi cool down katanya pfft

------------------------------------------

My husband and I had a little fight last night.

I don't know whether he purposely raised his voice to me or it was done unintentionally.
But, damaged has been done. My 'heart' was feeling hurt a bit. Still. Orang tengah syiok-syiok sembang tetiba naik suara dah kenapa pfft

And, this morning, he (as usual) apologizes first and tries to break the ice.
I am still quite mad. Hence the long face while making breakfast and all.

And before he's off, we will always kiss and cuddle. And me, being me, stiff as a log.

Then it hits me,
"Does my second-born got her kuat-merajuk-perangai from me?" or "Does she gets the perangai from observing me and her father?"

Jarang jugak aku buat perangai merajuk lama ni. Kebetulan tengah period, so lagi melayan laa si emosi.

Rugi tau merajuk lama-lama?
Nanti rindu, sapa jugak yang padan muka?? Pfft.

Post Ramadhan Food Fest!

This year, our Syawal weekends have been so fully occupied with eating, catching up with cousins and friends, even weddings!

Syiok oh! Even the kids had fun playing with their cousins and even made new friends. Got duit raya is also a big plus! hehe alhamdulillah :)

So, today's schedule was also packed even we were quite lewau from yesterday's raya trip Somban-Sikamat-Springhill-Bangi *phew* 

Suddenly, my 7 yrs old asked,

"Ibu, bile nak makan? Hannan lapar lah..."

Ah sudah. Aku punya laa ingat semua orang dah kenyang pulun melantak. I forgot that this girl didnt eat as much as her sister, banyak minum ayor saje hence the '...bila nak makan' question.

"Kenapa tak cakap awal-awal nak makan? Sekarang kan dah lewat, dah masa tido. Kalau cakap awal-awal kan senang..." balas ibu yang dah penat baru lepas siap kemas kitchen and all.

"Takpelah ibu, kalau ibu penat takpelah. Hannan tak lapar sangat pun..."

Arghhhh demmmm!

Sampai hati aku marah si anak yang mintak makan. Bila dia tak makan, ko marah. Bila dia minta makan pun kena marah jugak. Apa yang ko nak sebenarnya wahai si emak?!

Bukan dia mintak nasi ayam pun. Takde pun dia demand mintak ko masak nasi malam-malam ni. Heck, dia tu kalau bagi roti sapu coklat pun jalan. Dia cuma nak mak dia siapkan saje. Ape yang susah sangat pun? Yang ko maleh sangat tu dah kenapa wahai si emakkkkkk?!

Never mother of the year.
But trying to be better day by day.

Semoga Allah panjangkan nikmat sihat dan bahagia kami sekeluarga.
Semoga Allah tambah rahmat dan kuatkan sabar saya dalam menjaga dan menguruskan rahmat dunia pinjaman sementara ini ameeeen!

7 days in-ward experience

"Anak manja ni... tak boleh sakit sikit..."

"Anak saya, kalau batuk selsema tak pernah bagi ubat pun. Cukup sapu vicks saja ke dada & belakang dia..."

"Jangan bawak anak tu keluar... duduk je dalam rumah diam-diam..."

*     *     *     *     *

Macam laa aku tak sapu vicks ke badan Umar...
Macam laa aku tak bagi dia main kotor, biasakan dengan orang...
Macam laa aku ni dok bersin selamba depan anak tak reti nak hadang...
(-_-")

Rezeki setiap anak berbeza-beza...
Waktu Sarah Hannan dulu, alhamdulillah boleh pinjam bibik ibu buat bawak balik PD sampai depa dah 3 tahun lebih baru hantar ke taska...

Sampai si Umar, lepas pantang terus ibu hantar ke taska masuk sekolah...
Kasihan juga, tapi sebab tak selesa nak hantar dia ke rumah jiran yang tak berapa kenal dan agak selesa dengan pengurusan taska yang confirm takde yang merokok dan lain-lain
... ibu tinggalkan Umar dalam jagaan teacher dengan harapan Allah jaga awak, Allah jaga kita semua.

Dan harapannya, selepas pengalaman warded minggu lepas, Umar Haziq akan jadi lebih kuat dan kita semua akan lebih sejahtera hendaknya ameeen!

Mujur Allah bagi peluang guna insuran syarikat suami. Agak selesa juga walaupun 7 hari berkampung di hospital :)

Bukit Batu Putih - checked!

Tanjung Tuan, Port Dickson-Melaka. 

* * * * * 

Kena datang lagi dengan the whole (family) crew!

Bukit Sawa - checked!

 January 10, 2018 - Kampung Peradong, Kuala Kelawang, Jelebu.

 * * * * * 

Semacam tak percaya. 

Tapi ianya berlaku jua.

Macam-macam halangan.

Takde kawan laa. Takde siapa nak saing dari PD laa. Takut laa. 

Yang paling best,

dah sampai meeting point boleh pulak aku perasan yang kasut tertinggal kat rumah! (-_-")

Guide siap perli aku,

"Kalau tersadung, pandai2 laa bangkit ye?"

Tapi sebab Allah sayang, 

I was among the first 3 yang sampai atas!

Walaupun terlepas awan karpet, but the view was still stunning nonetheless!

Hilang penat yang aku dok meroyan dari mula hike bila sampai atas! 

Hiking was not part of my new year resolution. 

But I vow to try my hands on living healthier, dan tak sangka Bukit Sawa was my first chance to prove to myself that I can still do it. I still have it! 

Looking forward for more! Bring it ON! ;)